Dates and Counseling

I went on a date last night. We ended up talking for three hours. I was happy, I was able to go to sleep and not call Alex. Pretty much a good night.

I went to counseling this morning. Apparently I'm dealing with things very well, all considering. She told me it was like watching a movie, seeing the way I talk about Alex. I'm glad that she thinks that him and I do have a connection and that I'm going about this in the correct way for me, but it almost makes it more frustrating. I'm dealing with this the best way I can, him and I are obviously good for each other (and I've been completely honest with her). I just don't understand why its not enough, why we can't just get past this and put it behind us. He doesn't seem to realize how much the things that happened over Christmas break hurt me, he expects me to just be better. She seemed surprised that I'm even functioning as a human being. She told me that if she had been through what I've been through, that she doesn't know if she could personally go on. She says I have a big heart, that I need to give myself a break sometimes, but essentially I'm doing things well. Why can't he just realize how much I'm trying? Why won't he just listen? I just feel like he abandoned me, too. I'm ok right now, but I don't know how much more abandonment I can take.

I'm going to go to a biofeedback lab so that I can start controlling the things that make me anxious and have those panic attacks. The only reason I slip up and call him is when I start feeling so anxious, lonely, and out of control. Hopefully biofeedback will help me not be in so much pain and help me help him by leaving him alone.

I have another date with someone else tonight. He's a comedian, so he'll be able to make me laugh at least. I'm excited, I like going out and doing things. I think if I can just stay busy, I can do this.

The last time I talked to Alex he told me that he believes we can do this, we can get through it. I just gotta trust that he does believe it. I believe it too. We can do this.