Phone Calls and School

I talked to Alex until 2 am last night. I'm so tired and have so much homework to do so that was probably unintelligent. Oh well, it happens. Its really hard to get off the phone with your ex boyfriend when all you want to do all day is talk to him.

As of stated much hope, I wasn't holding out much hope for us getting back together anytime soon. But, our conversation last night alluded to otherwise. I basically had him on the edge of coming here tonight after class, but we both decided it would be much more epic to see each other again while all dressed up for my Oscar/birthday party. He kept telling me to just hold on a few more days.

I wish he hadn't have done that. I was going to be perfectly fine with just seeing him on Sunday. Now if we don't get back together, I'm probably going to be really upset. Such is life.

In other news, I just realized that I will have no life today. I have four hours of statistics lectures to watch, an extra credit paper to write, a reaction paper, a statistics quiz, and my sanity to maintain. Should be a FANTASTIC day! I also need to clean our entire apartment, there's no way I'm letting people come over in the condition its in.

Food, Biofeedback, Yoga, and Sunday

I just cooked for the first time since the Super Bowl (I made steak fajita nachos from thepioneerwoman.com). I only made grilled curry shrimp and a cucumber salad tonight, but its nice being able to do something I love again. Its a little upsetting, as I always used to cook for Alex, but I'll get over that eventually. In other food-related news, I've been eating consistently and healthfully the past couple of days, so thats progress.

I went to Biofeedback orientation yesterday. It was really interesting. You sit at a computer, put some sensors on your fingers, and go through meditation type exercises. How successful you are at the exercises is determined by your heart rate and body alkalinity. What I found out is I'm way more stressed out than I thought I was. When I spoke with Alex yesterday he didn't seem surprised, he laughed and asked if I was only just now figuring this out about myself. I knew that I could get stressed, but I had no idea I was so nervous and anxious all the time. Well, now I know, and knowing is half the battle (I think "they" say that?)

I've done Yoga the past couple of days. I do about 20 minutes of cardio before that each time. I plan to build up the cardio but I'm still pretty tired from the lack of food/the only moderate exercise I've been getting the past couple of months. There's more yoga tonight, although I'm tempted to switch it with Zumba to get my heart rate up a bit more. The only problem is Zumba doesn't start until 9:30, which is a little late for me. We'll see how that goes.

I'm seeing Alex for the first time in two weeks on Sunday. I'm extremely nervous and so excited all at the same time. I just want to see his face. Today has been harder than the past few days, I just miss him so much more for some reason. I hate having to be patient. I just keep reminding myself how fast the past week or so has gone by. Thankfully, I have another counseling session Friday afternoon, so I'll be able to get a pep-talk before Sunday happens. (Sunday also happens to be my birthday, funny how that isn't much of a concern at this point).

Tears

Yesterday was basically a good day. I went shopping and bought a pretty dress, I went out to eat with a friend at an Asian restaurant. Alex and I talked on my car ride back to my college town from home. Things were good.

I don't know what happened last night. I just got so convinced by my friends that this isn't good. That he can't possibly be good for me if he would just leave me like that. If he left me once, he'll leave me again. I want to believe his tears, I want to believe that voice. I think deep down I really do believe him, but I feel stupid for it. I don't want to feel lonely and stupid again. I don't want it to be a big mistake all over again.

I think I ruined it by making him so upset last night. I haven't heard from him today, but its still early. I know he hates feeling like this. I do too. I want to fix it, but he just keeps saying he wants to come back but doesn't do anything about it. This just isn't fair to me, I can't do this back-and-forth.

My best friend from high school is probably getting engaged this week. I'm so happy for her. I wish all of my friends could be as happy as she is. Hell, I wish I could be as happy as she is.

Sushi and Smiles

Last night Alex and I talked for two hours, and it was all positive, even when we talked about our current situation. He's right, things have gotten better already. I'm back on my own two feet again, he doesn't want to be my emotional crutch and I'm not happy when I'm using him as such, anyway. Doesn't mean he isn't there for me. He does have a point. He never really left me, he just left us. He's always responded to every phone call or text I send, and doesn't mind it. Honestly, the fact that he's like this is pretty spectacular.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow and I can't wait to see him. It will be two weeks since I saw him, its just too much. I know we won't be getting back together yet, but hopefully soon. Maybe just a few more weeks is all we need, one has seemed to do us a world of good.

I went out with my family for sushi tonight. I actually ate! Of course now I'm freaking out because I'd rather not gain any of my stress-related weight loss back. Guess I'll just have to hit the gym extra hard tomorrow.

Just remember, All You Need is Love.

Catching Up

My theory was (and is) that the busier I stay at the moment, the happier I'll be. This seems to be working, although I'm excited. So, a recap of the past couple of days...

I went out with a friend Tuesday night. Alex found out and absolutely flipped on me Wednesday morning (right after my last post) when I told him it really wasn't any of his business where I was, because we were broken up. I wasn't trying to be mean or secretive, its just for me to give him the space he wants he has to give it to me, as well. Well he flipped out (uncharacteristically) and told me he was not longer coming to my birthday. Well, I called him instead of continuing that text war, and we ended up figuring it out and having a good (albeit busy because I was busy) conversation.

My friend is a comedian and he took me out to sushi Wednesday night, and then to the bar where him and his friends were doing their weekly comic show. My roommate met me, and its fairly obvious this guy really likes me. It was just a good time having someone try to woo me and then have my roommate and I laugh our asses off for an hour and a half. I went home and Alex called, and we chatted for awhile and I was actually the one to end the conversation and go to bed (that never happens.)

Yesterday (Thursday) was full of homework, class, and Yoga. Alex and I texted briefly (he got absolutely wasted last night) but this is the first time since the first couple of months of our relationship that we haven't talked on the phone. I'm not feeling anxious, I'm actually ok with it. This is going much better than expected. I just have to keep busy, stay happy, and keep hoping for the best.

I get to see him in 9 days. Usually that would seem like forever, but I can't help thinking its not enough. Tonight I'm doing Pilates, going to an art gallery opening with another guy friend, and then we are going to the observatory. After that, I'm going home for a weekend of shopping, family, and relaxation.

Life is good, you just have to let it be.

Dates and Counseling

I went on a date last night. We ended up talking for three hours. I was happy, I was able to go to sleep and not call Alex. Pretty much a good night.

I went to counseling this morning. Apparently I'm dealing with things very well, all considering. She told me it was like watching a movie, seeing the way I talk about Alex. I'm glad that she thinks that him and I do have a connection and that I'm going about this in the correct way for me, but it almost makes it more frustrating. I'm dealing with this the best way I can, him and I are obviously good for each other (and I've been completely honest with her). I just don't understand why its not enough, why we can't just get past this and put it behind us. He doesn't seem to realize how much the things that happened over Christmas break hurt me, he expects me to just be better. She seemed surprised that I'm even functioning as a human being. She told me that if she had been through what I've been through, that she doesn't know if she could personally go on. She says I have a big heart, that I need to give myself a break sometimes, but essentially I'm doing things well. Why can't he just realize how much I'm trying? Why won't he just listen? I just feel like he abandoned me, too. I'm ok right now, but I don't know how much more abandonment I can take.

I'm going to go to a biofeedback lab so that I can start controlling the things that make me anxious and have those panic attacks. The only reason I slip up and call him is when I start feeling so anxious, lonely, and out of control. Hopefully biofeedback will help me not be in so much pain and help me help him by leaving him alone.

I have another date with someone else tonight. He's a comedian, so he'll be able to make me laugh at least. I'm excited, I like going out and doing things. I think if I can just stay busy, I can do this.

The last time I talked to Alex he told me that he believes we can do this, we can get through it. I just gotta trust that he does believe it. I believe it too. We can do this.

Keeping Busy

So I was doing so well  last night. My dad and little brother came up to eat Valentine's Day dinner with me, I actually ate food (seared tuna! mmmm) and I was feeling pretty and confident.

But then it came time for me to go to sleep, and I lost all control. I wanted to know how his day went, I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted him to know how much I missed him. So at about 10:30 I started sending him texts explaining these things. Apparently he didn't get out of his clinical until 11:00, and he called me right after.

I felt stupid, but he was so understanding and concerned. We laughed together and I immediately calmed down and actually slept extremely well last night.

I need to leave him alone, but its so hard when he has such a positive affect on me. He's considering coming up to see me for my birthday. I hope he does. Its just going to be hard to celebrate without him.

Two weeks until my birthday, we'll see what happens.

Time to keep tackling statistics until my exam tonight.