The Basics

The spark-notes version of my story:
    This past summer, I worked as a lifeguard at Disney after my first year of college. This, on my part, was a move to gain some more of the independence I craved. Ever since my heart was broken in high school, I was set on being me. I didn't want to be depressed, I wanted to be happy on my own terms. Getting a stable job, I figured, was the next best move after two successful semesters at the top University in my state.
    Working at Disney immediately changed my life around. I realized a lot of things about myself. I love putting a smile on peoples faces, I love the potential of saving a life, and I actually (surprisingly) like to work 8 to 12 hour shifts six days a week.
   Understandably, I did not have much of a social life with that type of work schedule, but that didn't seem to matter much. I quickly bonded with many of my fellow lifeguards. Many of them were my age but just as many were quite a bit older. I liked that I was respected as an equal. My age or my gender didn't matter. The first time in a very long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere.
    My second week of training, I walked into the Recreation office of the resort I would be working at for the day shortly before I had to clock in. Thats when I saw him. Now, most people would think that our business would be full of extremely attractive people, but I'll tell you as long as you can swim, lift a backboard, and be responsible, you too can be a lifeguard. Plus, its a well-known fact that Disney makes their "costumes" as unattractive as possible so that their employees aren't distracting to the guests. Well, this wasn't the case for Alex*. As soon as I locked eyes with him I knew that my jaw was dropping and I looked like an idiot. He wasn't my "type" in the slightest, he looked like he walked straight out of his fraternity. Nonetheless, I immediately thought he was beautiful, and had to quickly regain my composure.
    I immediately found out that he was extremely similar to me in terms of sense of humor. I loved the days where I ended up at the same resort as him. We'd talk as much as our breaks would allow. The second day we worked together he caught me looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he took his shirt off to play basketball with the kids. Of course I laughed and responded with the sensible "you wish." But of course, he couldn't be more right.
    Things continued like this for a couple of months. The banter, the slight we're-just-friends-but-the-day-is-boring flirtation. Things that happened with other male guards as well. I didn't realize the signs at first, until one of my (extremely sexual) friends proclaimed, "why don't you just sleep with him already?"  Apparently, I talked about him all the time and didn't even realize it. Even when I realized I might have maybe developed the tiniest bit of a crush, I never thought in a million years someone like that could like someone like me. I was convinced he could get any girl he wanted. In my eyes, he was perfect.
    Then one day we were laughing and joking, heading out to the parking lot after work. We got to my car and I turned to him to say goodnight, and he looked at me and said, "you know, I meant what I said earlier." I just responded with a, "haha... wait, what?" as my brain remembered our banter earlier. He had put away my DJ equipment so that I had time to eat lunch with him, and when I thanked him he had responded, "oh you know I'd do anything for you." Which I had laughed off and continued with, "oh really? You sure you want to promise that?" As it clicked in my head what he had meant, he somehow had already wrapped his arms around me and began to kiss me. It was gentle and confidant all at once. I pulled away and told him that we couldn't do this, and he just smiled and responded, "just let it happen."
   Finally I freed myself from him and fumbled my way into my car. Of course, he had parked right beside me, so he kept looking over at me, smiling. I cursed my un-tinted windows as we drove back out to the interstate, him next to me the whole time. The second we got off different exits I called my best friend freaking out. I was so confused. My lips wouldn't stop tingling, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I felt like a middle schooler who had her first kiss.
    I'll elaborate on how that first kiss turned into a relationship in further posts. But, much to my surprise, thats what happened. Despite the ensuing long-distance of a fall semester, two busy schedules, and two people both fairly bad at relationships, we had one. We had a great one, until about a month ago.


   Until I explain what went wrong I would just like to remind anyone who finds themselves here that fear is the mind killer. Don't be afraid of the person who loves you. Don't be afraid of the future. Don't be afraid of commitment. All you have to fear is fear itself. I knew this once, and I forgot it somewhere along the way. If a relationship doesn't work, let it not work on its own accord. Don't kill it by worrying too much and not taking care of yourself. We all go through rough times, and fate doesn't care whether you are in a relationship or not. Do yourself and the one you love some good and get some counseling. And remember, your significant other may love you with all his or her heart, but it doesn't mean he or she can take the emotional beating of seeing the one they love depressed. Your boyfriend may be your knight in shining armor, but never forget that he's human, too.

*Name Changed for privacy