How I Feel

I can't get through today smoothly apparently. My cousin called me crying today (which totally took me a back). apparently his girlfriend of two years cheated on him. What is up with everyone? The four of us (Alex and I, my cousin and his ex) spent a weekend together in November, and we all couldn't stop talking about how much fun it was. Where did that go? Why do people throw good things away.

This song pretty much sums up how I feel walking around campus today.

Made my counseling appointment a few minutes ago for Wednesday morning. Now to make it until then. 

Last Night

Last night in my half-asleep delirium I started sobbing and probably in some sort of half-crazed frustrated attempt to get myself to go to sleep I started banging my head against the wall. Then I passed out due to my blood-sugar issues. My roommate had to kick the door in and pour juice down my throat to get me to come to.

So yeah, not a good night. Thank god I have good roommates.

I'm so tired, and I was going to try to start eating again today but I feel more nauseous than ever.

I miss Alex.

Part of me wishes I could just get over him, I don't know how much of this I can handle before I totally lose it.

Lists

Things that make me happy:
the color yellow
shopping
kombucha
romcoms with my Dad
my dogs and cats back home
music
feeling pretty
feeling confident
feeling independent
seeing him smile

Things I've done to be happy:
talked to my counselor
talked to my friends and family
wake up in the mornings, do my hair and makeup, and live my life
keep going to class and doing homework
be honest with myself and my faults
seeing him without pressuring him
holding his hand
smiling at him (and then he smiles back!)

Things that don't make me happy:
feeling weak
feeling sick
missing him
Valentine's day without him



....I'm trying here, I really am, but why does Valentine's day have to be this week?

Today

Alex: "I'm a little hurt that you aren't fighting to keep me around like you did with your past boyfriends."
Me: "Well, I've never loved anyone enough to let them go before."

Today went the best it realistically could have.

I'm happy, I haven't cried since I saw him. The truth is, if he tried to have fixed things today, I would have questioned his emotionally stability. That just isn't Alex. He's logical and calm, no matter how much he misses me he'll stick to his guns, and thats what makes him a man. Today further proved that he isn't one of the boys I'm used to dating. He loves and respects me, he won't put me on a roller coaster (however much I secretly hope he would just so I can be with him right now.) Either way, I hope that he stops sticking to those guns sooner in the realm of possibility rather than later. A month sound amazing right about now (won't happen, a girl can dream.)

I need to learn patience. He told me he was proud of how positive I was being. Its very easy to be positive when 1. you're wearing bright yellow (color therapy anyone?) and 2. you get to see the person you love's face weeks before you originally thought you could. That was enough to appease me. Which is surprising. Just seeing someone has never been enough for me before.

Alex never gets sick. No matter what crazy contagious bug I bring around he'll get a mild form of it thats gone in a day, at best. Well you know how stress lowers your immune system? Well somehow he managed to contract Bronchitis in the few days we've been broken up. He also looked awful. I wish I could take care of him, but it was slightly comforting that he's right there with me on the so-heartbroken-its-making-me-sick mobile.

I think thats what we both learned today. I figured out that he misses me as much as I miss him, and he figured out that I agree, we both need to figure out our own situations. It has always terrified me that he could potentially be "the one." I'm just not the marriage type. The fact is, if I even want to consider that type of future with him, I want us both to be 100% sure that this is what we want, no questions asked. If we need to go through a break to figure that out, than thats what we have to do. And if we don't get back together, well, it might not feel like it at the time, but its for the best.

Now that I'm more confident in the potential for this to work out in the future (although I have no idea if its going to take a month of a year *gulp*) I need to be strong. He asked me to just be strong for him, and I promised him I would. Here's to keeping promises. Step #1: not contacting him on Valentine's Day.

I mean, this should be easy, why would I want to remind him how terrible both of us should feel tomorrow? I know my crazy brain will find some sort of twisted justification, so here's hoping that I fight back the raging emotional beast inside.

On a side note: Target is awesome for shop therapy. I got so many pretty things and my bank account doesn't hurt too much. Huzzah! Although, I've been begging their lingerie brand Gilligan and O'Malley to come out with an Aqua nightie. Guess what they had today? UGH. I bought it anyways. I might as well feel pretty when I sleep alone =P Although next they are going to have aqua colored boyshorts. Boyshorts are Alex's favorite. Sigh.

He kissed me so sweetly. He wasn't sexual or suggestive like other exes have been during post-breakup rendez-vous. I love so much how he strokes my cheekbone with his thumb and kisses my hair. I love the taste of his lips. I don't know when I'll see him again.

If you ever read this, I miss you, even hours after seeing you. Keep smiling, love.

Well, we didn't get back together. But, he did kiss me....

Progress Report

   I'm back home, no longer in my over-crowded college town. I drove home in the middle of the night. No matter how many times I washed my sheets they still smell like him. I just needed my dad.
   Ever feel like you just want to disappear for awhile? Well in an attempt to focus more on myself (at least for these first couple of weeks) I have deactivated my facebook. I'm generally a social-networking junkie, so we'll see how this goes. I just can't handle on the memories on there right now, or seeing my friends talk about how they need to "kick his ass." He isn't a bad guy. He didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want to see those things right now.
   After that, I spoke with a counselor to figure things out. To anyone who is afraid of counseling, don't be. You need to realize that other people don't react to things the same way you do. We all think differently. We all find different methods to be the best solution. A counselor can really help you understand things from other's points of view.
   After I spoke with the counselor, I spoke with Alex. He went out with his roommates last night and had a really good time. I think he needed that, as in a day he went from "I don't know when we'll see each other again" to "okay, we can meet up tomorrow."
    So, as of now, I'm seeing him tomorrow. Terrifying? Yes. But him and I actually laughed and joked around this morning. He confirmed that he misses the girl I used to be, the sometimes frustratingly independent girl I was. There are many reasons I'm not that person right now, but the main one is due to some trauma I experienced over Christmas break. A lot of my friends try to argue that it doesn't matter if I was depressed, thats when he really should be there for me. But, we aren't married, a relationship isn't entirely about saving the other person all the time. Wouldn't you expect those same friends to tell me to leave him if he was making me unhappy? Yes. So, I don't blame him.
   I don't expect us to fix things tomorrow. They say miracles happen but he's incredibly stubborn when he wants to be. To be honest, if he needs this time I want to give it to him. I probably need it just as badly as he does. I'm telling myself I won't try to push him tomorrow. Honestly, I've been so much more calm just knowing that in less than 24 hours I'll get to see his face.
   And, he promised me a hug. For now, thats really all I need.

The Basics

The spark-notes version of my story:
    This past summer, I worked as a lifeguard at Disney after my first year of college. This, on my part, was a move to gain some more of the independence I craved. Ever since my heart was broken in high school, I was set on being me. I didn't want to be depressed, I wanted to be happy on my own terms. Getting a stable job, I figured, was the next best move after two successful semesters at the top University in my state.
    Working at Disney immediately changed my life around. I realized a lot of things about myself. I love putting a smile on peoples faces, I love the potential of saving a life, and I actually (surprisingly) like to work 8 to 12 hour shifts six days a week.
   Understandably, I did not have much of a social life with that type of work schedule, but that didn't seem to matter much. I quickly bonded with many of my fellow lifeguards. Many of them were my age but just as many were quite a bit older. I liked that I was respected as an equal. My age or my gender didn't matter. The first time in a very long time, I felt like I belonged somewhere.
    My second week of training, I walked into the Recreation office of the resort I would be working at for the day shortly before I had to clock in. Thats when I saw him. Now, most people would think that our business would be full of extremely attractive people, but I'll tell you as long as you can swim, lift a backboard, and be responsible, you too can be a lifeguard. Plus, its a well-known fact that Disney makes their "costumes" as unattractive as possible so that their employees aren't distracting to the guests. Well, this wasn't the case for Alex*. As soon as I locked eyes with him I knew that my jaw was dropping and I looked like an idiot. He wasn't my "type" in the slightest, he looked like he walked straight out of his fraternity. Nonetheless, I immediately thought he was beautiful, and had to quickly regain my composure.
    I immediately found out that he was extremely similar to me in terms of sense of humor. I loved the days where I ended up at the same resort as him. We'd talk as much as our breaks would allow. The second day we worked together he caught me looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he took his shirt off to play basketball with the kids. Of course I laughed and responded with the sensible "you wish." But of course, he couldn't be more right.
    Things continued like this for a couple of months. The banter, the slight we're-just-friends-but-the-day-is-boring flirtation. Things that happened with other male guards as well. I didn't realize the signs at first, until one of my (extremely sexual) friends proclaimed, "why don't you just sleep with him already?"  Apparently, I talked about him all the time and didn't even realize it. Even when I realized I might have maybe developed the tiniest bit of a crush, I never thought in a million years someone like that could like someone like me. I was convinced he could get any girl he wanted. In my eyes, he was perfect.
    Then one day we were laughing and joking, heading out to the parking lot after work. We got to my car and I turned to him to say goodnight, and he looked at me and said, "you know, I meant what I said earlier." I just responded with a, "haha... wait, what?" as my brain remembered our banter earlier. He had put away my DJ equipment so that I had time to eat lunch with him, and when I thanked him he had responded, "oh you know I'd do anything for you." Which I had laughed off and continued with, "oh really? You sure you want to promise that?" As it clicked in my head what he had meant, he somehow had already wrapped his arms around me and began to kiss me. It was gentle and confidant all at once. I pulled away and told him that we couldn't do this, and he just smiled and responded, "just let it happen."
   Finally I freed myself from him and fumbled my way into my car. Of course, he had parked right beside me, so he kept looking over at me, smiling. I cursed my un-tinted windows as we drove back out to the interstate, him next to me the whole time. The second we got off different exits I called my best friend freaking out. I was so confused. My lips wouldn't stop tingling, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I felt like a middle schooler who had her first kiss.
    I'll elaborate on how that first kiss turned into a relationship in further posts. But, much to my surprise, thats what happened. Despite the ensuing long-distance of a fall semester, two busy schedules, and two people both fairly bad at relationships, we had one. We had a great one, until about a month ago.


   Until I explain what went wrong I would just like to remind anyone who finds themselves here that fear is the mind killer. Don't be afraid of the person who loves you. Don't be afraid of the future. Don't be afraid of commitment. All you have to fear is fear itself. I knew this once, and I forgot it somewhere along the way. If a relationship doesn't work, let it not work on its own accord. Don't kill it by worrying too much and not taking care of yourself. We all go through rough times, and fate doesn't care whether you are in a relationship or not. Do yourself and the one you love some good and get some counseling. And remember, your significant other may love you with all his or her heart, but it doesn't mean he or she can take the emotional beating of seeing the one they love depressed. Your boyfriend may be your knight in shining armor, but never forget that he's human, too.

*Name Changed for privacy